Friendvy and Finding Your Inner Peace

I was reading the latest issue of Cosmo, you know the pretty light purple and pink one with Kelly Osbourne on the cover. You know, I almost didn't even purchase it because I am just NOT a Kelly Osbourne girl, but I picked it up regardless (I saw the corner article titled 'Weird Stuff Guys Think About During Sex' and was sold immediately. It's stuff I thought I always wanted to know... I regret the decision to read that article.)

Despite Kelly Osbourne, despite guys thinking about the hot girl from their office or global foreign policy during sex... this July 2013 issue wasn't too, too bad. There was a nice little article about your FWB (friend with benefits) being potential boyfie material, a quiz on whether or not I am self obsessed... and an article about FRIENDVY.

Yeah, Friendvy - probably the only article I can ever find myself relating to.

Friendvy (n.) - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to your best friends advantages, successes, possessions, number of Twitter followers, and accumulating number of likes on Vine posts.
* Note, this is a real, actual definition that is absolutely not loosely based on the actual definition of envy.

The article (to me) was basically about how some single 20-something college graduate stuck between college, finding a real job and alcoholism, covets the life that her friend who is happily engaged to her college boyfriend and has the perfect job doing exactly what she loves in one of the best cities ever... oh wait, maybe that was the article I concocted in my head about my own life.. IRREGARDLESS, I felt I was suffering of the same incurable disease!

You know in the movie "Bridesmaids" when Lillian (played by the super pregnant and uncomfortable Maya Rudolph) tells her BFF Annie (played by the ever so awkward Kristin Wiig) that she's engaged and Annie is all "oohhhh shit this is the worst day of my life but I'm going to attempt to try to be really happy for you even though I'm not displaying it at all?!" That is essentially my life in every aspect.

Like, okay, since I'm opening up here - I did not really, sincerely find the movie "Bridesmaids" funny. In fact, I only made it into a hilarious ordeal because my friends thought it to be hysterical... nay, THE MOST HILARIOUS MOVIE OF THE YEAR. And then there was me, pained on the inside because I FELT SORRY FOR ANNIE. I had one of those feelings for her - empathy. I felt empathetic towards a character in a comedy movie because I knew exactly what she was going through.

She hit rock bottom - I'd say I peaked when I forced myself to come home and leave all of my friends to finish my senior year at home instead of where I went to college for the other three years. I figured that would help me do better in my life. After a bunch of other failed sequences of events, I found myself 23 years old, and back home taking care of my parent.

At first it was fine, all my friends were still home and we were planning on having a fantastic summer and then moving away to New York or Chicago or LA... we had all these plans. Then one got a boyfriend and that was game over Chicago. Then the next started dating, and it was game over NYC... you get the idea. Every time someone started dating, I was left in the corner - forgotten. Doomed to figure out my life by myself.

Then, the relationships ended and I was back in the plan. Yeahh, go Adele! UNTIL, one friend got a cool summer job performing at a theme park every day. That's something I would LOVE to do. Perform every day for a few hours and then wander around and live the dream... Why can't I do anything fun like that? Well then I figured, I still have my other best friend and her and I are going to have the best summer ever planning our visits to Chicago and New York... and then, she got this kick ass internship in Disney World. DISNEY WORLD. What the heck?!

Another friend moved to Texas to help him mature as a person - got a great paying salary job, a new car, and a new place. He's also the luckiest kid in the world and continues to win tickets to cool events and gets to go to Vegas. Vegas. Come on, now.

I'm not mad at these people, nor do I like them any less.. I'm just really envious, okay? Where's my big break? Where's my cool opportunity that will change my life and inspire me and help me grow?

Then when I finally thought I knew what I was doing with my life, I had a really SHITTY audition and didn't get into a show I really wanted to be a part of. If this is my passion, why didn't I practice more? Why didn't I belt my tits off like I know I can?

So I'm now stuck in this rut, right? I'm stuck at trying to figure out what I'm going to do when my mom can finally walk again and wants me out of her house so she too can start going on dates and hanging out with friends.

However, I have refused to believe this is rock bottom.

I went to the new newest craze in women's gym classes, Hot Yoga, this week and I have never felt so connected with myself. Our mantra was "Everything happens for a reason. I am exactly where I need to be." Maybe I didn't need to be in a musical to remind myself that I am talented. Maybe I don't need to move right now to find happiness. I am precisely where I need to be at this moment, and it's here at home.

Okay yeah, I don't have the job I want, but I still get paid well doing what I do.
And yes, I'm not engaged, but I'm happier that way. I like casual dating, because I like not having to see a guy ever again if he completely repulses me.
I don't have a new car, yeah, it sucks, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to work my way to one...
Yeah, I'm not interning in Disney World - but do I really even want to? Was that ever in my plans?

Instead of getting bitter with everything, I have decided to find that peace with myself and get better.

I went home and made a list of short term and long term goals. My long term goals are things like having a record deal, a clothing line, a best selling novel... and my short term goals are exactly how I can get there: taking a few writing classes, maybe going back to school for English or Journalism, recording a demo, learning to sew, and studying more fashion, etc. I also made a list of places I want to call my home: New York or Los Angeles.

These are my goals, and if I have to get there alone, then so be it. I refuse to let my Friendvy dictate where I put myself.

Maybe, just maybe, someday my friends will look at my bright future and be friendvious of me. But until then, I just have to applaud their accomplishments and their happiness, and continue seeking my own.