Prince Chauvinist

Let me just explain to you what goes through my mind when I log on to my Facebook and see that half of my timeline recently got married or engaged - "aw they're so adorable," "ew what the F is that thing she married," "where'd he find that rock? the toilet store?," "Thank God I'm living young, wild, and free," I think, silently laughing to myself and shaking my head (which currently now takes its most common form in the acronym SMH.) I then close my laptop, find the largest dark chocolate candy bar in my cabinets and cry while watching "When Harry Met Sally"...

Because, here I am.

Single as ever, wondering when my fairy-tale ending is going to happen. Is it supposed to happen at all, even? I have had the worst impatience that dates back to when I basically had an anxiety attack waiting the few short weeks between my birthday and Christmas 1995. I guess it's worse waiting to "meet the one" as opposed to waiting for Christmas. Christmas is planned. It falls on the same day every year. You never know when you meet the person of your dreams. The worst part is, I feel like I already met him, just looked beyond him. If it's meant to be, does it really always find a way - or is that just something we say to make ourselves feel better?


I think the main reason we subject ourselves to these  cheesy, hopeful quotes or sayings that make our loneliness livable, is because we really don't know the outcome of our lives. I personally would like to know if finding your perfect fit is one in a million, or in a more realistic ration 1:700. Does our prince charming ever show up on our front stoop with his white horse and its glistening white mane only feet behind, holding a long lost glass slipper? And does that slipper even fit your foot?

Maybe some of us never find love? Or Maybe we do and our Prince Charming turns out to be Prince Chauvinist and we are stuck between trying to work out our fairy tale, and moving onto a new book (Romeo and Juliet, most likely... I heard that ends well.)

Is there proof that everyone finds the Jim to their Pam ("The Office,") the Ross to their Rachel ("Friends,") the Peanut Butter to their Jelly (sandwiches,) or the Bobby to their Whitney (...err.. you, get the point) at some point or another?


More so, how do you know he is your soul mate? What if you get together and he's just a nasty and terrible person who constantly brings you down - or wants you to be a housewife when you want to be a doctor.. or drinks like a case of beer a day and gets really fat within like 2 months of marriage? That's a horrific thought. I'd be miserable. I'd pray for the end every single day.

So, in today's day and age where all of the hot black guys are dating all of the skinny white blonde girls, and all of the attractive white guys are dating each other... how is an Aria supposed to find her Ezra ("Pretty Little Liars")?

In this tech savvy world, do we have to subject ourselves to dating over the internet? Is my future husband currently sitting on Christian Mingle or eHarmony, patiently waiting for me to create an account? I mean, I once tried the whole OkCupid thing and not only was it the most terrifying experience of my life, I literally found myself with nausea instead of butterflies. Every females dream right? To find a disgustingly uninteresting male who gives her the creeps instead of that warm tingly feeling we've been designed to accept as love.

I mean, when you actually think about it - we have been preconditioned to accept a boat load of mushy gushy quotes and "butterflies" as love when it comes to the opposite sex. However, I have felt "butterflies" in various other circumstances, like before I'm about to audition with a song I never really prepared, or when I'm about to pee my pants and the nearest bathroom is still miles away. That doesn't mean I'm in love, does it? I thought that was just anxiety. If meeting a guy gives you these initial feelings - is it love, or is it anxiety? And if it is anxiety, why do they prescribe medications to take that feeling away...?

We've been told to find the guy who calls you "beautiful" instead of "hot," who texts you "good morning" and makes sure he texts you "goodnight." Okay, I have found guys like those - and some of them are just plain creepy. I have had guys call me beautiful and they are still the most pig-ish men I have ever met. Some people will say, "that's a boy, not a man." Well can someone make some sort of clarification that there's a difference, aside from age? Couldn't a man have a $250,000/year salary, clean teeth, and say some of the right things, and still suffer from a chauvinistic personality that degrades you and makes you stay home and raise babies?

As I grow up, it's become harder to weed out the Prince Chauvinists mixed among the Prince Charmings. Every time I identify a new "type" for myself, the guy ends up being the complete opposite of what I wanted, what I thought I needed. When does it become time for me to "give up the search and let the right guy find you"? When the hell is my Knight in Shining Armour going to knock on my door with my missing broken and plastic Charlotte Rousse heel (let's face it, no girl in the 20th Cent is going to go out to the club in a glass slipper.. unless she's clinically insane and a solid 56lbs)?

When will I find my Prince Charming - and is he even charming at all?

Until then, I'm just going to sip Chardonnay in my sweats and pray my Prince shows up before 40 with a glitzy and crystal tiara (Do you see what I did there).

I'm going to find the Daiya Shredded Cheese to my Macaroni (Vegan entree) if it's the last thing I do.