I am not one to post about failed relationships or friendships. My personal business should not be everyone else's. However, it has appeared to me that the older we get, the more close connections seem to falter and even the tightest of ties are cut. Why does this happen? Why do two people who used to spend every waking moment together, just completely fall apart?
I'd say part of it is friendvy - when you become so envious of your friends life that you literally began to despise them and question their value. Yet, you shouldn't let your covetousness of their life ruin your relationship. Instead, congratulate them and continue to support them throughout their successes. Yours are coming someday.
Sometimes friendships fall apart because of distance. When one friend moves across the state or country, it's hard to see them as often as you'd like. Especially when finances become an issue. To me, this is one of the worst ways a friendship can end. Someone dropping you simply because they moved away is basically a representation of what your friendship was to them - convenient.
Though these are the most comment of reasons relationships fail, in my personal experience, I blame a lot of broken friendship on clearer vision. That is, I opened my eyes and realized what type of people these 'friends' are - and most importantly, what type of person I am.
In the past year, I lost two friends via clarity. These were friends I pictured of having around in my life forever. These were friends I wanted in my wedding, to have my children refer to as "Auntie" or "Uncle", to go on fabulous vacations to Europe with, and to grow old laughing with. In the last 3 months alone, I realized I will never be able to live out those dreams with these people... and here's why - these are selfish, genuinely unhappy people.
I had a friend who I would have done - and did - anything for. I traveled to this person at their beckon call any time they needed me. I took the time to listen to their problems whenever they had any, even those times I was battling my own, in hopes that they would be there for me should I need them. However, this was a one sided relationship. I learned this quickly after shelling out well over $1,000 for a visit and a concert that never happened. A concert that I will never get to see now. A trip that I will never get to take now. Apparently my friendship wasn't comparable in value to another relationship they were invested in at that time, and someone else's needs were chosen over mine.
Another friendship fell apart when a friend moved across the country for an internship. Though the internship left something to be desired, this friend felt it was their star calling, and thus everyone should have been on the same level as them. I was proud of them, but felt my wants and needs didn't match up to theirs. Eventually, they started making me feel bad about myself; that I didn't drop everything to move, or that I was in the wrong, working a 9-5 and going out with friends on the weekends.
It took some time for me to realize that real friends aren't like that. Real friends don't leave their friends stranded across the country because of some guy. Real friends don't make you feel bad because you're living your life differently than they are living theirs. Real friends do the opposite.
In fact, because I didn't get to go to said concert, my other friends planned a night of movies, music, and wine for me. We laughed, cried, and drank until the sun came up. They have never once made me feel bad for the way I live my life, or for raging during the weekend. Nine times out of 10 they are raging with me. Those are the people you keep around.
Stop and smell the roses. Take the time to evaluate your relationships. If someone is bringing you down, regardless of how they once made you feel... drop the weight. After all, a friendship that can end, never truly began.
You hear them all the time... the sayings, the quotes, the mantras - all directing you to just be yourself. Telling you to not be like everyone else, because...well, you're you and they're who they are. It's kind of redundant, isn't it? Everyone always preaching you to seek joy in yourself, forcing you to shove your uniqueness into the light so the rest of the world can either study and dissect you, or accept and embrace you. It's just so... real.
When I was a child, I was different than everyone else. Perhaps living through my parents divorce (and the countless hours of religious 'post-divorce' treatment) kind of put me there. I mean, I was a really weird kid. When I started school, I devoted my time and efforts to being the loudest and strangest girl in my class. I was always sucking my thumb, twirling my hair, verbalizing my opinions on everything - even when I wasn't asked - singing and dancing, and even talking in a British accent. Whenever my mom would go to Parent/Teacher Conferences, my teachers would always say, "Adele is doing great, but she needs to stop talking." Why? So I can tune out my creative thoughts that are 99.9024847% more interesting than anything you're about to say on The Kid Who Ran for President? Is my imaginative war between Snow White's fairy godmothers and the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys nowhere near as captivating and exciting as the Civil War?
It's crazy that everyone is so passionate about forcing kids to be unique, yet they are the first to shut them down when they verbalize a fantastic idea. Well, I want to be the one to remind them - to remind you, that there is no criteria for who you should or should not be. Why should everyone be the quiet child that raises her hand to state the correct answer from the reading she did three days prior? Why should everyone lack creativity and nonsense and spend most of their time half-assing a project they found on Pinterest? Why should everyone follow the guidelines of being a completely boring and overrated human being? They shouldn't.
When I was a girl, I yearned for attention. I sought it everywhere I went. I was constantly singing in public, laughing really loud, or rocking a clashing outfit. And you know what? I was the cutest little clashing singing laugher in the whole room. Why? Because I embraced that weirdness at a young age. So what I was a little chubby and I had messy hair? I appreciated every little frizzy curl and every bite of pizza I didn't miss taking. I think this blossomed me into confidence a lot earlier than other girls my age. I grew up knowing I was different and had interests in everything, but my differences appealed to a variety of people and didn't limit me to just the "theater kids" or the "jocks" or "the cool kids."
I recently met a young woman who said something so completely off the charts that I had to step back for a moment and say to her, "you're weird..." The second I said it, though, she smiled and said, "I know. But I'm me and I love me." Folks, that is one cool child. To be called out on a trait that others would find insulting, and to truly appreciate oneself for embodying such a characteristic, is impressive. I believe I responded with a, "...I think I love you, too?"
You shouldn't feel bad if someone doesn't see things the way you do. You shouldn't feel neglected if some people aren't as passionate about what you're passionate about. There are other people out there just as crazy and strange and unique as you are. Find those people, love them, and let them love you. You'd be surprised what you can gain from a little appreciate of individuality.
So if you're unusual - embrace it. If you spend more time reading books or over-analyzing Pretty Little Liars theories instead of basketball scores - do it. If you sing the lyrics to "Pusher Love Girl" by Justin Timberlake out loud on your evening run - sing it. Just don't accept the "norm." If you're different, wave your freak flag high you big weirdo.
Today I am approaching the closing show of Once on This Island, where I have had the privilege of playing Erzulie - the goddess of love. This has been unlike any role for me, as this has been unlike any other show for me. The cast is made up of 14 African American male and females, and is one act long. From the dancing, the costumes, the calypso music, to the story ... it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever taken a part of. The story we tell in Once, has made me reflect on my own life and my own experiences. Where my passion originated from, why I took a break, and why I am back today.
When I was a little girl getting babysat with my best friend after school, our sitter would always let us choose a movie or television program to watch. My go to was a story about a redheaded orphan who found her way into a rich man's home and thus his heart, Annie. From the very first moment I watched this musical, I was captivated. Singing AND acting combined? What was this madness? I fell in love with the songs, singing them every chance I got - singing "Maybe" while roller blading in our unfinished basement, "Tomorrow" at recess, and (my favorite, and most accurate) "It's Hard Knock Life" while mopping the kitchen floor. When I found out my grade school would be putting on their own performance, I was thrilled. I knew it was finally time for me to fill the role I was born to play. However, when it came around to my actual audition, I stood there frozen as the music played behind me and the director sat smiling at me. I knew I blew it & I would never be the little redhead I dreamt of playing. I got to sing in the Orphan Chorus - a group of us misfit girls who couldn't get cast, who got to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" directly after intermission. Thought that counts, right?
I didn't do anymore shows for quite some time after that. As I got older though, I did realize that I still wanted to perform. I went to other auditions where I froze as well. I didn't get cast A LOT. It was disheartening, but I knew I was good, and I knew I had to prove it. Finally, I went to an audition for a summer production of Cinderella, where I essentially screamed out the lyrics to "Very Soft Shoes" from Once Upon a Mattress - a song I learned at an acting camp that same summer. It wasn't my greatest vocal performance of all time, but it got me cast in the ensemble. My first show! I was in tears. From then on, auditions became easier - I even got my first lead as the Witch in Into the Woods, Jr. It was an honor to finally be considered a mini local starlet, and without proper vocal training, too! I went on to perform in high school performances, as well. My high school music teacher then set me up with his old vocal teacher, and I became even better. I finally was able to learn notes and how to add a vibrato. My junior year I was honored to play the role of Joy, who's saddened personality did not live up to her name, in yet another production of Cinderella. I even got to play Reno Sweeney in a summer production of Anything Goes - a role in which I had to learn to tap dance. It was singlehandedly the greatest moment of my life, especially since two of my very best friends got to play alongside me as Reno's sidekicks, Billy Crocker and "Snake Eyes" Johnson.
When I went to college, I did perform in show choir one year, and I also had a monologue in The Vagina Monologues, but I wasn't as involved as I used to be. I knew I couldn't make a career out of acting. I wasn't nearly as passionate as my other friends were (so I thought), and I wasn't as good vocally as they were. It wasn't until the winter of last year that I decided I wanted to audition for Grease at the Erie Playhouse. I knew I wanted to get back into theater, and what better way than with the most familiar show in the world? I really wanted the role of Rizzo, but wrote that I would take anything as long as I could get into a Main Stage production at the Playhouse. When I went to see the cast list and saw I was cast as Jan, I nearly sobbed. I was ecstatic. I didn't really know my cast mates too well, but I was familiar with their talent and couldn't believe I was getting to share the stage with them.
I made some GREAT friends in Grease. My Pink Ladies became some of my closest friends, and I even spent many nights barhopping and getting tattoos with a few of the boys! The experience kind of developed me. It made me realize what I loved, what I didn't love, who my friends were, and who they weren't. It was truly a life changing opportunity for me. It let people in the community get familiar with me again. Most importantly, it let me get familiar with me again. I found my voice, quite literally, and discovered my passion once again.
At first I wasn't going to audition for Once on This Island. I didn't have a song picked out, although my friend kept insisting I sing "White Boys" from Hair. He thought it was accurate and would display my range for the part we thought I should be going for, Asaka, Mother of the Earth. Even though I had seen a production of Once before, I only knew Asaka's song "Mama Will Provide." I remember my cast mates in Grease telling me I would be perfect for that role as well. I decided at 4:30 pm the last day of auditions that I was going at 6pm to try out, but ONLY if the music store had the Hair sheet music. Well, I walked in and searched hard for the book, but no such luck. I sighed, I wasn't auditioning. As soon as I was about to walk out, something caught me eye. It was the accompaniment book for Beyoncé's album "4." It was kind of fate. I know every song in that album from front to back. I knew immediately I was auditioning that night, and I was going to sing "1+1" from my Beyoncé book.
As far as auditions go, I know I nailed it - even if the directors didn't think so. The way that song came out of my mouth didn't even feel or sound like my voice, but I took it. It was beautiful. I was finally cast as Ezrulie, who I wasn't quite familiar with but I was absolutely going to accept the role. Her big song, "Part of the Human Heart" is a love ballad - it was the perfect fit for someone who sang a slow Beyoncé song for her audition. I was cast by that song. A song I didn't even know I was going to sing until a few short hours before my audition!
I have enjoyed this show so much. The people are so talented and such an incredible asset to the
theater community. The woman who plays the lead, Ti Moune is beautiful and is the most naturally gifted person I have ever had the blessing of sharing a stage with. Asaka - if I had gotten that role, I would have never been able to live up to the way she plays it. Such grace, such talent, and she truly embodies the role of Mother. Our Agwe, God of Water, who wasn't in our original casting, took over the role with kindness, and I could not think of a better portrayal. He is strong, vibrant, and a leader. The Demon of Death, Papa Ge, is played by a young man who truly took a role and ran with it. He is also a natural talent, especially in his energetic and passionate dancing. Our Daniel and Andrea play their roles beautifully, too. Andrea is a beautiful dancer who I could watch all day and still not be able to put in half the love she does. Our Mama and Ton-Ton, though still young, play elderly and nurturing parents quite well. I have left the show many times convinced they were really Ti Moune's parents. We have four strong chorus girls who are incredible dancers. Many of them have never been in a show before, but could provide enough talent to put on their own production!
The most impressive cast member in this show however, is the beautiful 10 year old girl who plays the role of little Ti Moune. She plays the role with such grace. Backstage she is just another goofy girl, who sends our Stage Manager into a conniption every time she is seconds away from missing her cue. The second she gets on stage, she quickly becomes her character - a curious little girl, who studies the world and wants to know everything about it. She is the star I wanted to be when I was her age, and watching her has truly been one of my greatest privileges.
Though I will never play the role of Annie (unless someone someday does an all adult version, where geriatrics play a huge role for Daddy Warbucks, and Miss Hannigan sips gin on stage for the sole purpose of staying alive), I will always think of it as the show that got me started. It gave me a feel for singing and acting, and has quite literally set the stage for me to want to do something more with this talent. I have been given a gift from God, a gift I hope to use for many, many more years to come.
If you haven't noticed, I am taking a little bit of time off. I want to be able to write some really great posts, but I have been very caught up in enjoying life... and studying for some important fast approaching tests!
Let me just explain to you what goes through my mind when I log on to my Facebook and see that half of my timeline recently got married or engaged - "aw they're so adorable," "ew what the F is that thing she married," "where'd he find that rock? the toilet store?," "Thank God I'm living young, wild, and free," I think, silently laughing to myself and shaking my head (which currently now takes its most common form in the acronym SMH.) I then close my laptop, find the largest dark chocolate candy bar in my cabinets and cry while watching "When Harry Met Sally"...
Because, here I am.
Single as ever, wondering when my fairy-tale ending is going to happen. Is it supposed to happen at all, even? I have had the worst impatience that dates back to when I basically had an anxiety attack waiting the few short weeks between my birthday and Christmas 1995. I guess it's worse waiting to "meet the one" as opposed to waiting for Christmas. Christmas is planned. It falls on the same day every year. You never know when you meet the person of your dreams. The worst part is, I feel like I already met him, just looked beyond him. If it's meant to be, does it really always find a way - or is that just something we say to make ourselves feel better?
I think the main reason we subject ourselves to these cheesy, hopeful quotes or sayings that make our loneliness livable, is because we really don't know the outcome of our lives. I personally would like to know if finding your perfect fit is one in a million, or in a more realistic ration 1:700. Does our prince charming ever show up on our front stoop with his white horse and its glistening white mane only feet behind, holding a long lost glass slipper? And does that slipper even fit your foot?
Maybe some of us never find love? Or Maybe we do and our Prince Charming turns out to be Prince Chauvinist and we are stuck between trying to work out our fairy tale, and moving onto a new book (Romeo and Juliet, most likely... I heard that ends well.)
Is there proof that everyone finds the Jim to their Pam ("The Office,") the Ross to their Rachel ("Friends,") the Peanut Butter to their Jelly (sandwiches,) or the Bobby to their Whitney (...err.. you, get the point) at some point or another?
More so, how do you know he is your soul mate? What if you get together and he's just a nasty and terrible person who constantly brings you down - or wants you to be a housewife when you want to be a doctor.. or drinks like a case of beer a day and gets really fat within like 2 months of marriage? That's a horrific thought. I'd be miserable. I'd pray for the end every single day.
So, in today's day and age where all of the hot black guys are dating all of the skinny white blonde girls, and all of the attractive white guys are dating each other... how is an Aria supposed to find her Ezra ("Pretty Little Liars")?
In this tech savvy world, do we have to subject ourselves to dating over the internet? Is my future husband currently sitting on Christian Mingle or eHarmony, patiently waiting for me to create an account? I mean, I once tried the whole OkCupid thing and not only was it the most terrifying experience of my life, I literally found myself with nausea instead of butterflies. Every females dream right? To find a disgustingly uninteresting male who gives her the creeps instead of that warm tingly feeling we've been designed to accept as love.
I mean, when you actually think about it - we have been preconditioned to accept a boat load of mushy gushy quotes and "butterflies" as love when it comes to the opposite sex. However, I have felt "butterflies" in various other circumstances, like before I'm about to audition with a song I never really prepared, or when I'm about to pee my pants and the nearest bathroom is still miles away. That doesn't mean I'm in love, does it? I thought that was just anxiety. If meeting a guy gives you these initial feelings - is it love, or is it anxiety? And if it is anxiety, why do they prescribe medications to take that feeling away...?
We've been told to find the guy who calls you "beautiful" instead of "hot," who texts you "good morning" and makes sure he texts you "goodnight." Okay, I have found guys like those - and some of them are just plain creepy. I have had guys call me beautiful and they are still the most pig-ish men I have ever met. Some people will say, "that's a boy, not a man." Well can someone make some sort of clarification that there's a difference, aside from age? Couldn't a man have a $250,000/year salary, clean teeth, and say some of the right things, and still suffer from a chauvinistic personality that degrades you and makes you stay home and raise babies?
As I grow up, it's become harder to weed out the Prince Chauvinists mixed among the Prince Charmings. Every time I identify a new "type" for myself, the guy ends up being the complete opposite of what I wanted, what I thought I needed. When does it become time for me to "give up the search and let the right guy find you"? When the hell is my Knight in Shining Armour going to knock on my door with my missing broken and plastic Charlotte Rousse heel (let's face it, no girl in the 20th Cent is going to go out to the club in a glass slipper.. unless she's clinically insane and a solid 56lbs)?
When will I find my Prince Charming - and is he even charming at all?
Until then, I'm just going to sip Chardonnay in my sweats and pray my Prince shows up before 40 with a glitzy and crystal tiara (Do you see what I did there).
I'm going to find the Daiya Shredded Cheese to my Macaroni (Vegan entree) if it's the last thing I do.
I was reading the latest issue of Cosmo, you know the pretty light purple and pink one with Kelly Osbourne on the cover. You know, I almost didn't even purchase it because I am just NOT a Kelly Osbourne girl, but I picked it up regardless (I saw the corner article titled 'Weird Stuff Guys Think About During Sex' and was sold immediately. It's stuff I thought I always wanted to know... I regret the decision to read that article.)
Despite Kelly Osbourne, despite guys thinking about the hot girl from their office or global foreign policy during sex... this July 2013 issue wasn't too, too bad. There was a nice little article about your FWB (friend with benefits) being potential boyfie material, a quiz on whether or not I am self obsessed... and an article about FRIENDVY.
Yeah, Friendvy - probably the only article I can ever find myself relating to.
Friendvy (n.) - a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to your best friends advantages, successes, possessions, number of Twitter followers, and accumulating number of likes on Vine posts. * Note, this is a real, actual definition that is absolutely not loosely based on the actual definition of envy.
The article (to me) was basically about how some single 20-something college graduate stuck between college, finding a real job and alcoholism, covets the life that her friend who is happily engaged to her college boyfriend and has the perfect job doing exactly what she loves in one of the best cities ever... oh wait, maybe that was the article I concocted in my head about my own life.. IRREGARDLESS, I felt I was suffering of the same incurable disease!
You know in the movie "Bridesmaids" when Lillian (played by the super pregnant and uncomfortable Maya Rudolph) tells her BFF Annie (played by the ever so awkward Kristin Wiig) that she's engaged and Annie is all "oohhhh shit this is the worst day of my life but I'm going to attempt to try to be really happy for you even though I'm not displaying it at all?!" That is essentially my life in every aspect.
Like, okay, since I'm opening up here - I did not really, sincerely find the movie "Bridesmaids" funny. In fact, I only made it into a hilarious ordeal because my friends thought it to be hysterical... nay, THE MOST HILARIOUS MOVIE OF THE YEAR. And then there was me, pained on the inside because I FELT SORRY FOR ANNIE. I had one of those feelings for her - empathy. I felt empathetic towards a character in a comedy movie because I knew exactly what she was going through.
She hit rock bottom - I'd say I peaked when I forced myself to come home and leave all of my friends to finish my senior year at home instead of where I went to college for the other three years. I figured that would help me do better in my life. After a bunch of other failed sequences of events, I found myself 23 years old, and back home taking care of my parent.
At first it was fine, all my friends were still home and we were planning on having a fantastic summer and then moving away to New York or Chicago or LA... we had all these plans. Then one got a boyfriend and that was game over Chicago. Then the next started dating, and it was game over NYC... you get the idea. Every time someone started dating, I was left in the corner - forgotten. Doomed to figure out my life by myself.
Then, the relationships ended and I was back in the plan. Yeahh, go Adele! UNTIL, one friend got a cool summer job performing at a theme park every day. That's something I would LOVE to do. Perform every day for a few hours and then wander around and live the dream... Why can't I do anything fun like that? Well then I figured, I still have my other best friend and her and I are going to have the best summer ever planning our visits to Chicago and New York... and then, she got this kick ass internship in Disney World. DISNEY WORLD. What the heck?!
Another friend moved to Texas to help him mature as a person - got a great paying salary job, a new car, and a new place. He's also the luckiest kid in the world and continues to win tickets to cool events and gets to go to Vegas. Vegas. Come on, now.
I'm not mad at these people, nor do I like them any less.. I'm just really envious, okay? Where's my big break? Where's my cool opportunity that will change my life and inspire me and help me grow?
Then when I finally thought I knew what I was doing with my life, I had a really SHITTY audition and didn't get into a show I really wanted to be a part of. If this is my passion, why didn't I practice more? Why didn't I belt my tits off like I know I can?
So I'm now stuck in this rut, right? I'm stuck at trying to figure out what I'm going to do when my mom can finally walk again and wants me out of her house so she too can start going on dates and hanging out with friends.
However, I have refused to believe this is rock bottom.
I went to the new newest craze in women's gym classes, Hot Yoga, this week and I have never felt so connected with myself. Our mantra was "Everything happens for a reason. I am exactly where I need to be." Maybe I didn't need to be in a musical to remind myself that I am talented. Maybe I don't need to move right now to find happiness. I am precisely where I need to be at this moment, and it's here at home.
Okay yeah, I don't have the job I want, but I still get paid well doing what I do.
And yes, I'm not engaged, but I'm happier that way. I like casual dating, because I like not having to see a guy ever again if he completely repulses me.
I don't have a new car, yeah, it sucks, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to work my way to one...
Yeah, I'm not interning in Disney World - but do I really even want to? Was that ever in my plans?
Instead of getting bitter with everything, I have decided to find that peace with myself and get better.
I went home and made a list of short term and long term goals. My long term goals are things like having a record deal, a clothing line, a best selling novel... and my short term goals are exactly how I can get there: taking a few writing classes, maybe going back to school for English or Journalism, recording a demo, learning to sew, and studying more fashion, etc. I also made a list of places I want to call my home: New York or Los Angeles.
These are my goals, and if I have to get there alone, then so be it. I refuse to let my Friendvy dictate where I put myself.
Maybe, just maybe, someday my friends will look at my bright future and be friendvious of me. But until then, I just have to applaud their accomplishments and their happiness, and continue seeking my own.
In fact, because I didn't get to go to said concert, my other friends planned a night of movies, music, and wine for me. We laughed, cried, and drank until the sun came up. They have never once made me feel bad for the way I live my life, or for raging during the weekend. Nine times out of 10 they are raging with me. Those are the people you keep around. 
